A worthwhile modernization

 

"So hold up...even though it was translated before 1830, it was written in King James English?"

"Joe, you have to understand, these people fly to pieces like glass as soon as anything comes that is contrary to their traditions."

"But later on, they put up with harems?  Brigham Young has a bigger body count than even you do!"

"Joe, this new Book of Mormon, they're calling it the Covenant of Christ.  I'm telling you it's the most amazing thing ever.  Even stupid people like Kamala can understand it. But it hits right back at crooked Brigham.  It says 'I will have covenant people, says the Lord of Hosts, and we all know Lord of Hosts means he's a great general, a real Robert E. Lee type, and they will hearken to this commandment to only have one wife.' "

Sorry, guys

I think this is on me.  Evidently the heavens did not want to see any of our perineums, and took drastic measures to prevent it...

But seriously...Am I the only one who feels unusually disappointed?  And also feeling weird for feeling disappointed?  Is it about feeling like I've missed out on something important, hoping for a break in the clouds at the last minute?  What was I hoping for?  

Maybe someone will come up with an amazing inspiring photo from western New York and find the literal silver lining.

I'm not a woman, but it almost has a miscarriage-like feel to it, a sense of loss where you know there are still other opportunities, and you don't know why it hurts so much.  

I feel like there's some meaning in it, but I also feel dumb for thinking there's some meaning to it.  Both at a macro level for whatever this movement is, but also at a micro personal level, as my home is also in today's zone of totality, and it is pretty close to where the eclipse conference took place. I thought about heading home from the conference early to watch the eclipse to beat the traffic, but didn't.

My house had clear skies and a perfect view of the entire eclipse.  Cue the Curb Your Enthusiasm music.

Why is this such a big deal to me? It doesn't make sense.

For those at today's conference, am I the only one?

Announcement: Eclipse Perineum Sunning Workshop

 To be led by Perineum Expert Dr. McKay Platt and Astro-Philosopher Bryan Lang:

I'm sure we're all wondering how to best harness the power of the upcoming solar eclipse to energize our spirits and bodies.  In this Monday Morning eclipse conference workshop we will discuss something that was part of the original religion of the Fathers, perineum sunning during a total solar eclipse.

The Book of Yasher-halal-hash-baz noted that Enoch himself was born during a total solar eclipse, as though the fiery portal itself opened up to enter this world in the same way he exited it.

Note: since a certain someone has only about 3 pictures of himself on the internet (mugshot included), chatGPT has not been trained on his face, and we will therefore be denied the opportunity to have an AI-generated photo of him absorbing these sacred rays on his fourth eye.